The Darker Side - an Exploration of a Mother's Tragic Actions

Some of you have seen the video already, since I posted it immediately on Facebook. Alexis rolling over was such a huge thing for us this week, and to catch it on video was tremendous! I'm sorry Ivan wasn't there, but seeing it on video was the next best thing. She has not, incidentally, repeated the event.
So I was listening to the radio this morning, catching snippets here and there in between baby gurgles and raspberries. Some of you may be familiar with the story, I was not. A Winnipeg mom was convicted of Manslaughter yesterday in the death of her infant son: a triplet.
I only heard the 911 call and then a few details which caused me to break down into tears. I looked down at my girls, then wondered what about the story was affecting me so profoundly. Obviously the mere thought of an infant death is upsetting, but there was something more. I realized that I knew the thoughts that she had thought. I knew them because I have had them myself. I'd stood in the spot where she had moments before she made the decision to do what she did, but I'd had the presence of mind to shrug the impulse off and change gears. Thank God.
See the thing is, it's only happened once or twice. And not since they were really little. There are moments where there is only shear exhaustion, when there is only screaming and an almost animal-like instinct kicks in. It's the fight-or-flight response, no doubt. Your heart is racing, your airway is constricted, muscles tensed for action. But most of us have the presence of mind, somewhere in the midst of a desperate situation, to recognize it for what it is. We're told about this in pre-natal class, in the parenting books. Presumably this is because enough children have died or been injured because somehow, a parent's coping mechanism quits. Shaken baby syndrome is a syndrome because it's happened to enough babies to require a label.
It doesn't happen anymore. I can sit through some pretty good crying episodes and sometimes even laugh at how funny the situation is. In fact, I'm pretty sure I haven't wanted to leap out of my skin in a good long while. Once or twice I've wanted to cry, but that's fairly benign. What's the worst that could happen? The poor delivery man or whom ever comes knocking might leave bewildered by such a scene. But at least everyone is safe.
But triplets. Wow. See, a Twin Mom can say that and know just how much harder it would be to have one more baby. I have two arms, two breasts, two parents even. No, I don't know what it would be like, I can only imagine. But I can imagine it well enough to feel like I could have stood in that woman's shoes. I feel like I know exactly what she was feeling. And it makes me cry for her to almost be able to touch the grief that she will feel for the rest of her life. She knows that if she had only had the restraint to leave the impulse as a thought, her life and the tender life of her son would be so different.
The other side of this is that multiples are becoming more and more common. With so many of us requiring the assistance of medical technology to become pregnant, more and more multiple births result. I once thought that we might even have to begin consulting a fertility specialist. I worry a little bit for the children. I was very concerned when the public health nurse wouldn't leave us alone for the first two months of our girls' lives. But I can see why they came as often as they did. It's hard to care for one baby. It's really hard to care for two, and so on and so on.
I wanted to explore my feelings about what I had heard today. I just didn't know how I felt about it, or where those feelings that I was having came from. So, thanks for the indulgence, and please don't worry. Ivan and I knew from the beginning that we would have those moments. We were prepared and knew how to deal with them. We also knew how to recognize the moment in one another when it was time to step in and take over. Maybe education is the key in preventing further tragedies. Have a great weekend all.